i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
