all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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