be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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