Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
