I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
