Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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