Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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