So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
