Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
