I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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