VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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