you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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