I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
