explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
