so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
