If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize