Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
