I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
