The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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