The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
