Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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