omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
