I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
