i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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