Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize