There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
