Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
