you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize