I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
