I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I forget how to act sober
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
