Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
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