OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
