I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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