He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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