You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
