and my herpes radar will keep us safe
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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