I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She bit a glass in half.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I believe in your delicious
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
