She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize