Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize