Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
