she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
