no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
