My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
