He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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