i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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