My cat gives me a boner
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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