I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
