just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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