So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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