I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
