I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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