You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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