I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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