Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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