Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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