Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
