I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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