I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
