my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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