i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
