mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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