we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
