I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize