How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I think I just sharted jello shots
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